She glanced at the crowd inside the coffee shop. The place was bustling and alive. She went back to reading  her book that she was trying to finish for the past few weeks, but her mind was uneasy and couldnt concentrate. He finally arrived, gave her a small smile and asked : you want anything? She shooked her head and fixed her things, deposited her book in her bag. He turned to the counter and placed his order. When it arrived, he turned to her but she was already out of the door. This will be a long night, he thought to himself. He quickly followed her, took a sip of his drink and matched her pace. She still didnt utter a word. He took her hand. He waited for her to respond, waited for her to interlace her fingers to his. But her hand was unresponsive. He however took it a good sign that she didnt pull her hand away. 

He had his back turned to me while gazing quietly at the window. I called out his name. He glanced at me slowly and for a second or two, thought of his next move. He slowly came up to me. Then i saw his eyes. It wasnt the same expression that he had a month ago. There was an expression of hurt in his eyes. Then i realized he felt abandoned when i left him for three weeks. I fixed the fur out of his eyes. But he just stared at me with the same expression of sadness in his eyes. He heaved a sigh and walked away. :(

I wrote this poem on Christmas day.


We forget

Amidst the lights and the laughter

Surrounded by gifts and Christmas carols

We forget

The real reason for such celebration

 

We made ourselves busy with shopping

We worry about the rush

We get bothered with the list

Yet we forget

How it all started

 

We keep our fingers crossed

That our wishes will come true on that day

Do we forget

That the day is for us to celebrate someone’s birth

And not a day of reckoning for our wishes

 

We pride ourselves in giving the best gifts

We marvel at the spread on the table

We rush to the store to make everything perfect

But we forget

The simple reason for such a special day

 

We spend so much time and energy

Figuring things out

Deciphering what else we were missing

We forget

That what we have always wanted has been there all along

 

We forget

That we owe all of these happiness and joy to this baby

Who was born in the manger

In all simplicity and awe

Who later became our Saviour

 

We forget that this day is not for our wishes to come true

But a day for us to thank HIM for being born in our world

To save us

And to be a father to us

On his very special birthday

A Poem for Mr. Anonymous

 

I know you are waiting for me as I am waiting for you

Its been a long time

I have yet to enjoy the opportunity of finally meeting you

To gaze at your face and feel your warm embrace

 

I replayed over and over in my head how I will meet you

But I know a Higher Power has prepared something more wonderful

That no amount of surreal make-believe would ever fathom

 

I have faith that all I have been through would be worth it

That the agony of waiting and going through all the heartaches would be well worth it

That the years of waiting and imagining would pay off

 

You may not be what I imagined you to be

But I am sure that you will be far more wonderful and amazing than what I expected you to be

You who will be my bestfriend, my number one supporter and my life partner

You who will move me to tears not out of misery but out of gladness that finally I have met the ONE

 

Perhaps words would not be enough to explain the marvelous high that I would feel when we finally meet

Perhaps I could never find the right words to manifest the joy of finding one of my life’s greatest treasures

But then, we have our whole lives to express that wonderful feeling to each other

I love you even if I don’t even know you…

 

 

I heard a lot of cliches or "words of wisdom" such as: the best is yet to come. So what are you going to do in the mean time? Perhaps you just have to work your butt off to get the best or be the best. I have also heard some cheesy story that time is your best friend since it could heal, it could bring out the best and all those stuff. So what is it with time that people would often use the alibi: "Im busy". Is it because of lack of time? I marvel at those individuals who are so happy go lucky, not a care in the world, acting like children, not worrying, no stress, just riding with the flow and having fun while doing it, maybe that's the right thing to do. You need not be the best but just enjoy life so you could get the best out of it because sometimes you were waiting all along yet the opportunity has already passed you by because you kept on saying "Im busy". 

I just couldn't think of a better title for this blog entry. "Tag" is something you do when you identify a person in a photograph. But in this blog entry, I will try to unravel the reason for such title.
Flashback, I remember a good friend of mine telling me a story about how her classmate then (husband now) used to describe her to his friends. She overheard him talking to someone on his mobile phone: "Dude, you know her. We used to see her in campus driving this huge car, remember? The big  SUV, the black one?" My friend E couldn't help overhearing the conversation and couldn't help her retort: "you associate me with the  car I drive? Can't you just describe me as the small petite girl with a great smile or the girl who has short hair? I mean why associate me with my car?"
I couldn't help laughing when she told me that story and I wasn't surprised when that story became a part of the slideshow for their wedding. It was a funny yet romantic story. Indeed one of a kind. Until I overheard my colleague's brother telling me: "Oh I know you, you're the one who drives the nice SUV".  I don't know if I should feel flattered or be insulted. Has he just paid my car a compliment? Or has he insulted me since he couldn't think of a better adjective to describe me? Am I that so forgettable that I can only be remembered by being associated with my car? Then I remembered all too well that this was not new. Back in college, I would often overhear people describing me... she's the girl with that really fancy phone.
Sorry for boring you with my story, just a flashback that I wanted to unload. :))

I got a CD and cookbook as gifts. I already forgot about how much I wanted to get that CD so it was such a pleasant surprise to be given such a fabulous gift. There are inspirational songs in that CD  like going through some tough times so it made me think of the times that I wished that I could just wake up happy.  It seems these past few days I kept on sleeping and sleeping and living like a zombie, waking up in the morning to drag myself to work then go back  home to sleep. Nothing changes and if it does change, I am praying it wont change for the worse because I am so tired of worrying and being faced with such turmoils.  *sigh* .. why is it so hard to see the glass half full these past few days

Dear G,
     I know you have blessed me abundantly most of my life and I would always be thankful and grateful for that. A lot of people think of me as the "lucky one", thinking I have it easy that I need not think or worry about anything because my life is almost perfect, I disagree with them and maybe, just maybe, I took my "luck" for granted. I always rant and have something to complain about and for that I apologize. But the thing is, these past several months, the situation in our home seems to get worse. The person whom I should respect and trust seems to be a totally different person right now, it came to a point that I don't want anything to do with him. I confessed about this several times and I know you will always forgive me and understand me, but the thing is, the anger and resentment is still there, it never went away and even increased and got aggravated by circumstances.  My heart seems to be bursting with all the emotional pain and hatred that I am feeling.  I am not proud of this but I will not deny this situation. Some would say that it could have been worse but I kept on thinking that things would have been different and better if that person just made the right choice. I know I should not question you because what is happening to our family right now is due to the freedom of choice that you have granted to the person involved, I know you love us enough to give us the freedom to choose for our destiny and fate... to choose between our desires and the right thing to do... and sadly, to live with the consequences of those choices even if its the bad ones. I just find it unfair that we have to suffer the consequences of the choices that another person made. I am so angry that he needs to pulls us down with him.  Right now, I just cant find myself forgiving him. I know its wrong, I know being this angry is a sin but I just cant help it. I always pray for guidance and wisdom to help us deal with this. I know that you never have forsaken me that I always have your favor towards me and this family, so right now, I am hoping for that big favor that WE could get through this. I know you could arrange the right circumstances, the right people, the right timing for everything to fall into place so we could get through this. I am now unloading everything to you, I am now surrendering everything for I TRUST you.  Just guide us and strengthen us. May our fate never waver and be the source of the strength that we will be needing in this turmoil. Please help us.

When would I learn not to expect so as not to get hurt?

Happy thoughts! I need happy thoughts.

I dont want to be numb. I hope I could find the confidence to do what should be done and not let any emotions get the best (or worst) out of me. I hate this. I hope I could just fast forward to the day that I would look back and laugh at how I reacted and reprimand myself for acting this way. I know and (I hope) that things will turn out well. It always does. Must be a test of faith but I cant help but just loathe the circumstances that has trapped my emotions this month. I feel my heart could burst with so much hatred, frustration, anger and negative energy from within. My headache is back, probably because my blood is boiling well beyond the proper temperature.